I had not seen this letter I wrote and left on my bed since the fall of 1975. My Dad and I had just moved to Singapore that summer, leaving my Mom and brother in Toledo, Ohio after my parents contentious divorce that hurt us all. He kept the letter in his Bible, since coming into my room that morning after I left for school and finding it, until our time together for my birthday in 2024….nearly 50 years. As I read and visited my 10 year old me in my room on Greenleaf Place, it was akin to embers of a weighted past lighting up the grief of what had been; a journey through a sometimes desolate emotional landscape that evoked feelings of being depressed, aimless, lost, a desire to escape, all while wanting to find solace and direction amongst the disruptive chaos that had marked my life.

You what??!! Went into my room and read the letter I wrote??!!!

Most of the time, as kids, don’t you want your parents just to stay out of your room? I get it, and it should not surprise any that adults are former kids themselves…and as a former kid sharing this story, your room can serve as a place of solitude.

Dad and me at our home on Greenleaf Place in Singapore, 1975

As I read the letter for the first time in nearly 50 years, I understood that there would be more chaos if my dad hadn’t gone into my room that morning. He was there to help me navigate these emotional complexities, break free from my current state of mind and move towards hope, resilience, self-confidence, and a mindset that life, all of it, is worth it. Dad has often said to me that we raised each other in Singapore, as we both became better versions of ourselves.

“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” – Rollo May, Love and Will

The Letter and A Call to Action

So, what did I write? When I read it again, my mind went to a place that can haunt while at the same time find encouragement in what was possible. I am glad I did not take action on my words however I understood the ‘why’ behind them. Here is the letter (evidently, I did not have a pen close by, so I used the nearest pencil) found behind my pillow on my bed in the fall of 1975:

The letter I have not seen since writing it in 1975 until Dad gave it to me in 2024

As an adult looking back now, what stands out to me is the raw emotion of how I was feeling and what I was thinking, namely:

“I wish there was a way out, but there is none. I wish people respected me, but it is the other way around. I feel like killing myself, but this would do no good. I want to go home (back to Toledo, Ohio), but why should I because this impulse says I should do so. So I conclude with no direction in sight, but hope I might find one and hope it is right.”

What is my dad (or any parent) supposed to do after he reads this? In my case, what he did was take action, and rather than sit down and go over what I wrote with me, got going to make sure I was going to be OK.

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also harder to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say, ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say, ‘My heart is broken.'” – C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

A Slider Projector; Yes, Mrs. Edmonds; Kitchen Dinners on Banana Leaves; Midnight Monitor Lizards

For those that remember, pictures taken were not always on phones. Cameras with film did the work and were developed into prints or slides. During his visit for my birthday in 2024 he brought lots of slides he wanted me to have and my wife, Angela, had found a working slide projector before their visit (key word: working) in a thrift store. We got comfortable and cleared a wall to go through some slides of our times in Asia, raising each other. As we were going through them, I could not help to have in the back of my mind, how grateful I was he found that letter and for his actions taken on where my mind was. I was not in a good place that fall of 1975 and had I taken any action on what I was thinking…I would have missed out on ALOT.

I was thinking I did not want to be here anymore. So, one of the first things he did is make sure when I went out that door to school, I was focused, there was structure during the day, and was involved with friends. I changed schools (left Singapore American School in 5th grade, however did come back in high school), and went to a British based school system where there was more structure (what I needed at the time) and the response to the call on you in fifth grade was, not ‘Yeah”, or “Yes”, or “Uh huh”, rather it was always “Yes, Mrs. Edmunds.” God Bless her. At Raeburn Park, then United World College of South East Asia, I made friends quickly and grew to appreciate how relatable we all are, no matter our country of origin or ethnicity.

At home, we had a family living with us to keep an eye on me and keep our home running. My Dad was single, however he was not the only one as Leela and Raj became family, as with their newly born son, Mohan. Leela is my godmother and though her husband Raj’s life was taken too soon, we all have stayed close over the years. Curry dinners off banana leaves in the kitchen, making sure I got my homework done, knowing where I am, making sure I am out the door in the morning and home after school and sports, taking care of our dogs (Tuppence and Lady) together, and hugs for a kid who needed them. Dad travelled every week for work and made sure I was not alone; to share the emotional weight I was carrying and make it lighter. Over the next months it did lighten, and I can’t express how important it was to not have your home and place of solace (i.e. your room) become lonely. Ours was always full of life, and those formative years in Singapore were more than worth staying around for.

Raj and Leela, with their son Mohan and our dogs Lady and Tuppence

“The broken will always be able to love harder than most because once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.” – Anonymous

Singapore is a place to be outdoors. Being on the equator it is hot and humid, and I never experienced a snow day, and I don’t mind. Dad made sure I was active and playing sports, and soccer is what kept me going for five years. Playing with other kids my age helped me build some self-confidence and responsibility of being a teammate; get to practice and actually practice, communicate, get along, and next thing you know friendships are developing. I remember being on a team where we lost every (or almost) game and then the next year we won the league. It was incredibly satisfying, and you can see the champs below.

The year we won it all

Singapore is also surrounded by water, and Malaysia is right across the causeway. Weekends were ours and we spent many in Malaysia, particularly on the islands of Palau Rawa, Tioman, and Babi Hujoug. I fell in love with being in and around the ocean and took up Scuba Diving at a young age; became licensed at 13. Dad saw the importance for me to build self-confidence and be adventurous, and we would scuba dive all over those islands day or night. We would sometimes take a break, go onshore and take out our dive knives and open a coconut that had fallen from the tree, hence the name of my other blog, the coconut husk.

We got to know the people who lived on the islands and appreciated our friendship with Eric and Jo Airriess who we spent much time with at their Palau Babi Hujong island home, and at our home in Singapore. It was there that dad and I would sleep on the beach, and huge monitor lizards would come out from the jungle to bathe in the ocean at night right near our cots; with the moon and stars so bright we could all see each other. We were members of a scuba diving club that would venture all over the islands, and it was sleep, eat, dive all weekend. Seeing someone that I have known since I was ten is always heartwarming, and that is how it is with our friend Jofari who has been running Palau Rawa since it began. I go back to these places (in my mind too) as an adult, know them like the back of my hand, and think of what I would have missed out on, appreciating that I didn’t miss out because Dad went in my room that day.

Now when people ask So, where are you from?, I am grateful for the opportunity to have lived it.

When it all short-circuits in a short time

What if my dad didn’t find that letter? The fact that he did, in retrospect, was a signal that he knew I was struggling, and any reasonable person would understand why. I was depressed.

“Depression is being colorblind and constantly told how colorful the world is.” – Atticus

I missed Rick, Pete, Bobby, Eric, Chris, and all my buddies from Toledo I was pulled out of growing up with in our neighborhood and at Old Orchard Elementary School. As one can imagine, Singapore is quite the change of scenery from the American Midwest, and the unfamiliarity caused initial discomfort. I was hurt as my mom gave me up and took my brother, thinking she loved me much less than I thought. Though I had a superficial understanding that there was also hurt for all of us, I understood dad’s pain as I was close to it, not so much my mom’s at the time (I grew to understand it as an adult).

I remember being at the Detroit airport, when we left America in the summer of 1975. My Mom was not there to say goodbye, and that hurt not being able to feel her hug one more time; later in life she wrote me a letter from a Mother’s Heart. I missed my brother tremendously, and the lost childhoods not having the opportunity to grow up together. In a short time, everything I thought I knew short circuited.

With this mixing bowl of emotions, actions, and circumstances, I sat in my bedroom in Singapore, having a life just upended and expressed what was on my mind and felt; I wanted out.

“Depression is feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. Then one day you realize what you lost is yourself.” – Unknown

I have come to learn that one can feel alone, yet not be lonely, however being lonely and alone is not healthy long term. As I have leaned into sharing this vulnerability for a while (nearly 50 years), and to encourage others that may be experiencing the same, some of the triggers that got me to this point included:

Change in Environment – I went from a more or less stable home life to one of perceived chaos and uncertainty, within a few years. The change of scenery for my home life, and with my parents, was dramatic and I felt socially isolated initially at school and at home; could not go next door or down the block to play outside with my friends.

Stress – I went through a significant emotional life event, with my mom and brother not being around and being with my Dad in a place that was foreign to us. It was not as if we moved across town, or another state, it was a new country, continent, culture, school, and surroundings. At 10, my mind was having a hard time processing it all and what I wrote reflected it was taking a toll. It was overwhelming my ability to cope, and perhaps it would be better if I found a way out.

Grief – Following a loss of what was, and having my mom and brother around in childhood, it was akin to being in a land of confusion and having separation anxiety from what my childhood had been up to that point. Not understanding at my age why my mom gave me up fueled feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and I was easily distracted by not being able to concentrate in school. By writing that ending my life was on my mind, the grief had transpired into depression.

Depression – The loss of relationships, feeling of abandonment by my mom, and opportunity to grow up with my sibling led to feelings of uncertainty, lack of activity coupled with weight gain, and a pervasive sadness that would lead me to isolation so as to not interact with anyone. One can’t get their childhood years back, and I thought about the loss of, or the perceived loss of, what should have been.

So, thank you Dad for going into my room that day, taking action and keeping me present, engaged, and here, and unknowingly protecting my future relationships with Mom and Will (my brother). Our lives in Singapore enabled our scars to heal, and ultimately, we raised each other as our lives, relationships, and experiences in Asia helped bring into focus and answer the question How Do You See You?

Getting Rewired

Depression can lead to isolation, and that is what I was doing. A lack of interaction and connection with others, especially with kids my own age, was not healthy and only compounded the issue. Dad couldn’t make me have friends or interact with other kids, however what he could do is provide an environment and opportunities for it to transpire. I was having a hard time with social interaction, with my family life and surroundings just short-circuited.

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” – Brene Brown

I asked Dad, when he visited us in 2024, what went through his mind as he read the letter. What went through his mind was action and taking it quickly. For context, my dad is a rocket scientist by training and he can put together and activate a solution to a problem very quickly, however this one did not involve algorithms and math formulas.

So, here is what happened:

I got connected – After some prayer seeking comfort and direction, Dad talked with our pastor at our Singapore church home, Orchard Road Presbyterian. Through his connections with the British school system, he was able to address the immediate concerns with the school leaders and get me into a new primary school which would help with my focus. The discipline and structure were exactly what I needed, and I built new friendships easier in this environment. I’m still in touch with many from that time, and knowing friendships transcend time, it was so good to see Greg Cooper last summer at his home in San Diego, CA. We bounced around each other’s homes a lot in Singapore, and what a difference it made to have friends such as Greg around me during that time.

Greg and me at Palau Rawa around 1976/77, meeting up in San Diego in 2024

I got moving – Dad seemed to know that if I got moving, and kept moving, it would translate into a better state of mind. I soon was signed up for soccer (football as it is called) and I kept going for five years. I loved it and gained many new friends and teammates that learned how to work together who learned the elation that comes through sports and correlates to other areas of life; from last one year to champs the next. That experience and lesson has lasted a lifetime and translated into other ones such as running marathons and half-marathons as an adult.

When I was old enough, twelve, I started training for obtaining my scuba diving license and Dad did it with me. I got certified when I was thirteen and every month, we would be diving the islands off the east coast of Malaysia, day or night. We joined a scuba club (Singapore Club Aquanaut) and went on many trips with others who share the love of the ocean and the different world that it is, and it became a place of comfort, solace, and adventure.

I got emotional support at home – With Dad travelling each week due to the nature of his job, he knew it was important for me to have a routine and home life that made it, you know, home; Leela and Raj did that. Leela became my godmother, not because of any formal recognition, rather she and Raj treated me as their son. It was God working behind the scenes, and our connection has lasted a lifetime. They welcomed a son, Mohan, and likewise, he is another sibling of mine; as is her second son, Anand.

They made my transition from where I was in that letter to a stable, loving, supported life at home where we all had dinner at the dinner table each night, made sure I got to and from school, and were always there when needed. The times eating curry dinners off banana leaves with my hands in our kitchen together is something I treasure, though Dad had to remind them I still needed to know how to use utensils! Raj did not speak any English, did not matter…we understood each other perfectly.

For this kid who just had his life turned upside down, they made sure I was right side up every day. Unfortunately, Raj lost his life in the summer of ’77 (I believe) and we were heartbroken, as Leela and Mohan stayed with us as she rebuilt her life. As you can see in the pictures below, the impact of this has lasted a lifetime.

Having an Active Faith – I still have it, always within reach. It was the Bible given to me when Billy Graham came to Singapore in 1978. It keeps me grounded and serves as a reminder of those years where I struggled and grew at the same time. Our Singapore church home was something Dad and I were always involved in, and I actually did look forward to Sunday mornings. How my story has turned out since then, I could not have done it without Christ. Jesus can reach those who are struggling, be it depression, guilt, shame, grief, anger, the broken hearted, etc. and as the years were lived, became more convinced that my journey through valleys in life was guided by a shepherd.

“The Lord in near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

With no direction in sight, but hope I might find one and hope it is right.

The quote above is how I concluded that letter in 1975. I wanted to be hopeful, yet was lacking direction and thought a way out would be the best option. It was akin to being in the lost and found.

As I was trying to escape the chaos and emotional upheaval of life to that point the actions taken helped me to gain strength in letting go and embrace the scars and uncertainties ahead, by focusing on the present and realize there can be beauty in the messes of life.

Even my mom noticed during our summer visits, saying in a letter to me (referenced earlier in this article): “You gained self-confidence, and each year when you returned to me, I noticed. It was like watching a beautiful tree growing and extending branches – the trunk was strong. Children have a way of showing adults what is to be valued.”

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

And I am grateful for my dad finding that letter so I would not miss experiences and lessons such as these:

The direction taken involved turning the corner at grace where I have a family who carries each other always that I cherish; the best classmates a person could ever ask for; the experience of now being a Third Culture Kid experiencing a childhood in Asia; reconnecting with my Mom and learning what the hardest thing to give away is; simply getting through Tuesday being reminded who I am and having to navigate life as a single parent myself for seven years; experiencing and saying an emotional goodbye to a longtime home; and gratefully experiencing how two more minutes became forever with my wife Angela.

Life with Angela sure is sweet…and a blast too!

There is meaning in all moments

For those reading this, know you are not alone, and I hope that sharing my journey can help encourage you on yours. I did struggle, and the lessons from those struggles transcended into my adult years. I lean in on these experiences, and use them as fuel for self-growth, self-reflection, perseverance, and as reassurance that there can be purpose found through life’s storms. Tomorrow holds out its hand to us all.

“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel

Over the last several years, I have learned through other experiences which have provided perspective and help me grow. I am a Big Buddy volunteer for Comfort Zone Camp, a bereavement camp for kids that have lost a parent and/or sibling. It is incredibly heartwarming and being there for a child who is going through a significant loss is something that has made me a better version of myself with each camp. I was able to sit down with the founder, Lynne Hughes and I encourage you to read her story; losing both parents, not having much support, and how her grief became a purpose for children grieving.

Sharing the road and learning from other Dad’s is something I enjoy, and had the pleasure to have a heartfelt conversation with David Gallagher, about his daughter Cameron, who passed away as she finished a half marathon in March 2014. Cameron struggled with depression, and one way she fought it was running, it helped her tremendously. She also had a vision to start a foundation to help others fight depression and her parents are fulfilling her dream and legacy by being a positive force that works to cultivate awareness and understanding of teenage depression and anxiety; the CKG Foundation. Cameron lived it, and knew it was OK to not be OK, and after my conversation with her dad, was all the more convinced of her words of encouragement to all who struggle, You Are Worth it All.

A Crack in the Reflection, and Moving in the Right Direction

As someone who appreciates music, and as a writer, I am always looking for the emotion or experience that a song is trying to capture, akin to being a blogger DJ. For my emotions going back to visit me at ten in my Singapore home, this one seemed to fit perfectly. Mind you I was not drinking beer at the time, Fresh Lime and Kickapoo were my go-to drinks.

Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley (Florida Georgia Line) paint a picture of a person seeking solace and escape from the chaos and hardships of life and searching for a place to disappear. This song speaks to a journey towards self-reflection and self-discovery while embracing the uncertainties of life, alluding to the importance of faith, knowing that the reflection in the windshield where I see my 10-year-old self is a metaphor for introspection, flaws and all with a crack in the reflection.

There are, and will be, times in life where we all seek solace, reflection, and purpose while navigating the ‘jagged rocks’ we climb and find meaning in all moments, good or bad.

As I was writing this, a football player for LSU, Kyren Lacy, sadly committed suicide as he was preparing for the NFL Draft. It breaks my heart to see this and read something I would like to echo to all who are struggling and reading this:

“Sometimes the pain gets too much to carry, and the solutions are too difficult to search for. If you are starting to feel that life is too much, tell someone. You won’t be a burden. People love you. Give them a chance to tell you. Give them an opportunity to show you.” – Ryan Clark (former NFL football player and host of The Pivot Podcast)

When it comes to mental health struggles and thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, we all can lean on each other, and I hope that sharing this story will help those that need to hear it.

Afterall, we all bleed as one.

Ed

Source Links for Reference and Help:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (Call or Text 988)
• Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741)
• Cameron Gallagher Mental Health Resource Center
• National Mental Health Hotline (866-903-3787)
• Mental Health Foundation
• Child Mind Institute
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
• VeryWell Mind
• Mental Wealth Hub